August 14th, 2016

Phone: Ring.

Me: Damn it!

Phone: Ring!

Me: …

Phone: You know you hear me, boy!

Me: Boy?  Don’t forget, I pay you.

Phone: You know you hear me, Vin-ci-ENT!

Me:  Why are all you inanimate objects female, ratchet, and say my name like dat!?

Phone:  We’re figments of YOUR imagination so…

Me: Trueeeee…

Phone: Damn it – RING-GUH!!  How many times I gotta say this, jefe?

Me: Since when do you speak Spanish?

Phone: Bruh!  This all in yo head, fam.

Me: Rigghhhttt.

Phone: R.I.N.G.G.U.H!

Me: 😶

Phone: Damn, do you need some fireworks?  Here go some fireworks for dat ass, geesh!


Phone: Answer me, dog!

Me:  Who is it, dou?

Phone:  What I look like!?

Me: I don’t know – a mupucking phone!

Phone:  You righttttt! (ratchet lol)

Me: 😡

Phone: It’s just Laundry.

Me: 😣

Phone:  Be cool, bro. I got you.  Just sent her to..

Me: No, don’t!

Phone: … Voicemail.

Me: 😶

Phone:  What?

Voicemail: Oh!  Well, hey to y’all too shh…

Phone: Heyyyy boo!

Me: 😶

VM: Uh – rude! I see he on one again tuh-day, huh?

Phone: Girl…

Me: 😤 What she say?

Phone: Right!  Girl, fill me in.

Me: Lordt…

VM: (Ratchet sucking sound) An-ne-wayyyy.  So, she was likeeeeee…


See, you really got me messed up passing me off to Voicemail like you ain’t got my number saved!  You steady telling me that you changed; things will be different this time and what not.  What do I do – hop right back into our old ways just like a fool.

Everyday, I see everyone hanging out in the closet.  They be looking all fresh and organized with nary a wrinkle in sight.  They all just be waiting to get chose and hit the scene witchu.  And yet, where am I?  Always here in the laundry bin getting bent all outta shape.  It’s hell – prison, just waiting on you to do right by me.

Why you be doing me like this?  Why you always keeping me from my folk!?  You must like having me all tucked away?  Is this how you want me – all rough and wrinkled-up?  Yeah, you iron me out or whatever, but it ain’t gotta be like this.  Not all the time.

Sometimes, I’d like for you to just come home, get me, and we be out. No preparation, no warning, but you’on hear me, dou. Anyway, I’m done!

Maybe one day I’ll get through to you…
I don’t mean to get in my feelings…
But, the next time I call I better not get sent to…
Forget it!
Talk to you later…

Good night!

Phone:  Damnnnnnn.  Why you do her like that!?

Me: YOU sent her to Voicemail!

VM: So, do I NOT perform a necessary service around here?  Sheesh!

Phone: Right.  He always tripping!  Aint that right, Vin-ci-ENNNNNN…

Me: 😤


Me: Ok, P.


Me: P!!!


Me:  😡😡😡

VM:  Alright, damn!


Me:  I. Will. Fire. You!

Phone: ENN-Tuh!  Sorry – y’all know I love me some Teyana Taylor in Madea’s Big Happy Family.

VM: Bish, wheehhhttt!

Phone:  Bish, yawwwwsssss!

Me: Get out!

Phone/VM: 😂😂😂

To be continued


Author: Huey Booker

Founder, Chairman & CEO of Ostend Stuart.

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