August 16, 2016

Me: Popeye’s?

Stomach: Emph!  Pick summ else.

Me: Why you gotta be so nasty, dou!?

Stomach: Cause I don’t emm want dat!

Me: We both know that’s what you’ll want in the end anyway.

Stomach: Vomit in my mouth and WE don’t know nothin!

Me: I done named every option in a 20-mile radius.  Twice now!  You really working my…

Stomach: Fine-nuh, I’m sorry… I’m just cramping real bad and I ain’t ate all day.  Whatever you pick is fine.

Me: You sure?

Stomach: Trust me,  an-ny-thing-guh!

Me: Okay, how bout Firehouse Subs?

Stomach: O gawd, gag me with a spoon!

Me: 😤

Stomach: Forget it.  Jus go to Popeye’s.  Since you brought it up it’s all I want now anyway.


Popeye’s: Welcome to Popeye’s!  Can I take your order?

Me: What up, bruh. Let me get a uh…

Popeye’s: Vince?

Me: Huh?

Popeye’s: Dat you, bruh?

Me: Damn it…

Popeye’s: What cha say, der?

Me: Nothing…  What up, kinfolk?

Popeye’s: Well, gadamn!  I knew dat was you!  How you been?

Me: Yeah, it’s been a minute.  I can’t call it bruh. So…

Popeye’s: I hear that, folk. Ya mama nem cool?

Me: We all good, fam.  Now, lemme get a uh…

Popeyes: Ain’t seent’cha since we was all kicking it at cha cousin house in Jersey.

Me: Good times, fo sho.  So, um I was thinking…

Popeye’s: I see!  You done lost a few pounds and don’t holla at cha folk no mo!

Me: Say man, I’m just tryna get some chicken fo I head home.

Popeye’s: I’m a getcha all the way together na!  Yean’know!

Me: That’s a bet, but all this talking you doin…

Popeye’s: You right, man.  You right.  My bad.

Me: So, bet!  Lemme… lemme get a um..

Popeye’s: So, how the ladies been treating you, man?

Stomach: Ladies?  Baby, what he talmbout?

Me: It’s… it’s cool, man.  Just focused on my bread right now…

Popeye’s: Bread?  Yeah, our biscuits bussin today, Jack!  If I do say so myself, anyway.  I done tucked off with a few already.

Me: Huh?

Stomach: 😬

Me: Be cool, bae.  Jus… just be cool.  I’m a get the food.

Me: So, like I was saying, let me try the…

Popeye’s:  And, the job – they treating you all right?

Me: It’s… it’s straight, fam!  Speaking of jobs – you ready for my order?  This line steady growing an…

Popeye‘s: O, we cool, man.  They ain’t going nowhere.  So, like I was saying… (trails off inaudibly)…

Stomach: Bae, please tell him to shut tf up.  Like, I’m starving an… I will die right here, right now.

Popeye’s: Wait a minute!  I know that ain’t…

Stomach: Oh-ma-gurd!  Kill me now!

Popeye’s: What up, Mach (Mack)!  I knew that was you sitting over there. Damn, it’s been a minute since I ran into you girl!

Stomach: I’m finna die if my cramps get any worse!  I’m finna die, Lordt!

Me: Bruh!  This order though!

Popeye’s: Aye big homie, no need to get all hostile.  What can I get chu, fam?

Me: Aight, so we want the…

Popeye’s: Bet.  One special we got right now is the 2 piece, mixed, with a biscuit fa $2.99.

Stomach: (Ratchet clap on the beat) Don’t-have-me-go-off-uh-up-in-this-car!

Me: (Sigh) Nawl, we cool.  Just gimme the…

Popeye’s: Beer can chicken tenders.  Word!  Real pop’lar item, my g.  Real pop’lar.

Stomach: SMMFH!  Eye. Will. Kill. You. Both!

Popeye’s: Aight den, simma down, shawty.  Simma down.

Me: Just gimme a uh…

Popeye’s: How bout the Summer Picnic?  It come wit 10 pieces, 2 large sides an 5 biscuits.

Stomach: Dear Sweet Baby Jesus: give them both safe passage on their journeys home to You, Lord God.  And, Father God, please be merciful on my soul.  I’m asking forgiveness in advance, on today, for all the harm I’m finna do if I don’t eat soon (trails out)…

Me: Thanks, bruh, but all we want…

Popeye’s: Preciate cha, bruh.  Anything else?

Me: Say what now?

Stomach: Vin-ci-ENT!  I swear fo’gawd!

Me: Dude!  I ain’t order no dam…

Popeye’s: It’s a good deal, son.  I can even slide in some mo biscuits – on the house of course.  Mach looking kinda funny right now anyway, like ya ain’t fed her all day.

Popeye’s: (Leans in window)

Stomach: (Prays silently in a trance)

Popeye’s: You good, Mach-y-mach?  Man, it’s good seeing you, lil mama!  Well, gadamn – she ain’t looking too good, fam.  You might wanna hurrup and get this order off one time, for real Jack!  You know what I’m talmbout!

Me: Man, if you don’t get yo big head ass out my car!  And nawl, we don’t want that.  All.  We.  Want. Is…

Popeye’s: Oh – he order for you too, huh?

Me: Say what, bruh!?

Stomach: 😬😤😡👿

Popeye’s: Aight, so … that’s a no-go on dat Picnic special, I see?  What about a apple pie?

Me: (Sigh). Yeah!  That’s.  A.  NO!

Popeye’s: Yes that’s a no?  How the hell!  Aight… So, you don’t want the Picnic special, but you do want the apple pie?

Stomach: You’re both finna die.  I’m finna kill us all.  I just made peace with The Lawd.  It’s official, now.

Popeye’s: Orrrrr – you do want the pie, but don’t want the picnic special?

Me: 😣

Popeye’s: Gotta be mo clear, patna.  Come on with the come on!

Stomach:  What did he just say!?

Popeye’s: What’s that now?

Stomach: I know he ain’t jus..

Popeye’s: Run that by me one mo gin.

Stomach: Bae, please tell me this fool to jus..

Me: Bae, I got it.

Stomach: Handle it!

Me: I saiiiddd, I-got-it!

Stomach: Break it down!

(Cue kick-drum and organ)

Popeye’s: …

Me: Listen man…

Popeye’s: Okay.

Me: All. We. Want… (tuh)

Popeye’s: Yes, sir!

Me: Is a 5 piece… (uh)… dark!

Popeye’s: Emhmm!

Me: Sub-sti-tute TWO breasts… (uh)

Popeye’s: Alright!

Me: The rest… (tuh)

Stomach: Preach!

Me: We want thighs!  Add (huh)..

Popeye’s: Amen!

Me: A large red beans and rice… (uh)

Popeye’s: Watch out der now!

Me: A small green bean… (uh)

Stomach: Well!

Me: Add a popcorn shrimp… (uh)

Popeye’s: Bringing that word, tuh-day!

Me: I’m almost finished! (and uh)

Stomach: You betta preach!

Me: Fih mo minutes, y’all (uh)…

Popeye’s: Hey, but I’m am on the clock na!

Stomach: You betta!

Me: Don’t forget! (uh)

Stomach:  Won’t He do it!

Me: Some honey! (uh)

Stomach: Hah-lay-loo-jiah!

Me: With hot sauce and jam… (hah)

Stomach:  Ha-da shim-bo-ya!

Me: And on mo thang (uh)!

Stomach: Well!

Me: I said, one mo thang (ah)!

Popeye’s: Glo-ray!

Stomach: I’m finna run round this parking lot!

Me: Some Cajun Sparkle (uh-hah)!

Stomach: 🙌 🙌 🙌

Popeye’s: Alright na, tell ya neighbor, “Neighbor!”

Me/Stomach: Neighbor!

Popeye’s: That’ll be!

Me/Stomach: That’ll be!

Popeye’s: Twen-fih dollas (ah)

Me/Stomach: Twen-fih dollas (hah)

Popeye’s: And lemm cents (tah)

Me/Stomach: And lemm cents (hah)

Popeye’s: Pull around to the second window, please.

Me/Stomach: Pull around to the sec… Wait – Wha?

Popeye’s: Come on na, hawse.  I’m up for employee a duh month an you done been here messing up my line for a minute now while I wait on your order, playboy.

Me/Stomach: …

Popeye’s: See ya next time!  And Mach, get on da good foot an holla at me sometime which cho fine self!

Me/Stomach: 😶


Author: Huey Booker

Founder, Chairman & CEO of Ostend Stuart.

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