September 6, 2016
Me: Happy Anniversary, Baby!
Me: You forgot, didn’t you?
Work: I mean… we only been KICKING-IT-tuh for, what, like THIRTY DAYS?
Me: And, this is day 30.
Me: I know, right! I’m excited too!
Me: I thought you were into all this employee engagement stuff. Ain’t this why you brought me out to lunch in the first place?
Work: Yeah, so about that… I’m gonna hit you with the headline.
Work: Focus. I need you to focus on what I’m saying right now, hm-kay, thanks!
Me: TF? Focus? Focus on you – that’s all we ever do, anyway!
Work: Look! Like, it’s been fun hanging out with you or whatever, but this ain’t working out and I need some space… Soooo…
Work: You are really good at repeating things, you know that?
Me: Man, what chu talmbout?
Work: We’re on a break.
Me: A break?
Work: Well, that was cute the first time. What should I say… It’s not you, it’s me. No, no – that’s too cliche… Hmm, I think it’s best if we just take some time to… to… sort things out on this here break we’re on. Yeah, that’s it.
Me: We. Just. Got. Together! What do you mean by “break?” Break from what? Black people don’t break! And WHO decided we were on a break!?
Work: Well, first of all, I’m not a real person, remember? However, you are right about that – I was just being coy, I guess. And, I did! Weren’t you listening?
Me: Look, YOU fought so hard to recruit ME! I didn’t go out looking for you! You ran your game and I took a risk starting summ new and all, but I got things in order around here. I put in all this overtime, making progress, and NOW you gonna just leave me high & dry despite everything I’ve done the last few weeks? What am I supposed to do now?
Work: I just.. after all that – my recruiting you or whatever, I just don’t think we’re a good match is all. Like, I kinda really only wanted you, because I couldn’t have you, for real. You looked so good at that other company and when you said yeah to my interview request, I mean, I couldn’t resist, you know? PLUS, you couldn’t have been so happy after all if you left where you was for me anyway, right? Like, that’s all on you, na’meen?
Me: So, I’m fired… just like that?
Work: Crazy talk!
Me: So, if this ain’t a break…
Me: And I ain’t fired…
Work: Right, right!
Me: What is this then?
Work: A layoff?
Work: Yeah, think of it more as a… um… temporary job restructuring, but one that’s indefinite. No, it’s more like a reduction in workforce that’s… possibly temporary, but definitely indefinite. Yup, that’s exactly what it is. I like the sound of that – a reduction in workforce!
Me: Really? That’s what this is – a reduction in workforce?
Work: Of course! Well… no, not really.
Work: Look, I’ll call you – I promise. Well, maybe. It’s possible that I’ll think about… See, it’s easier this way for everyone involved. Ummm… then again, maybe just me. It’ll… No, it’ll definitely be easier for me. HAHA! See! I was somewhat honest right there. You should be proud of me! You’re rubbing off on me.
Work: I dunno, I tried, bro… Anyway, don’t forget to tip well. Thanks for lunch! Byeeeeeeee!
To be continued…