Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Her: You just take everything.
Him: What chu’talmbot?
Her: My breasts, my time.
Him: I mean, they’re mine.
Her: Say what now?
Him: I commandeered them.
Her: Oh really?
Him: I claimed them.
Her: Not fair!
Him: What do you want me to say?
Her: A woman just can’t have nothing these days SMH.
Him: You did take my dick this morning.
Her: You right!
Him: Took it clean off…
Her: I’ll put it back on when I get home. It’ll only be a few hours and I haven’t even left yet.
Him: I guess…
Her: Aw, perk up. You’ll be aight. You tough, right?
Him: You just gone stick me up for my dick and then Rico-from-Paid-in-Full me?
Her: That’s how the cookie crumbles, b!
Him: Yeah, yeah… Just don’t let it fall out your purse again this time.
Her: Don’t worry, I took it off while you were hard, remember?
Him: Thank God!
Her: Look, I was more embarrassed than you!
Her: How many women walk around with retractable little baby dicks in their purses?
Him: A lot, apparently! And it ain’t that little, aight. I grow…
Her: You don’t show. Yeah, I know.
Him: Bars! But for real!
Her: I said I was sorry. And look, only the girls knew it was yours so…
Him: That’s way worse!
Her: Whatever, man!
Her: Aww, baby. Don’t be like that. It’s real big today at least.
Her: I promise.
Her: I even had to put it in my big purse. See?
Him: Your big purse?
Her: My big purse!
Her: Look at Baby – him smiling all big!
Him: Okay, fine. Just take care of it.
Her: Whachu mean? Don’t I always?
Him: Man, the last time you brought it back all scratched up. I told you to put it in its special case. You’on never listen. I swear…
Her: Why you always crying for!?
Him: It is my dick afterall.
Her: Mine actually.
Him: Oh really?
Her: I claimed it. I commandeered it.
Him: I see what you did there.
Her: Exactly! And, why you think we got that extended warranty, son?
Him: That’s only for the upgraded docking ports. The dick is still mine – like, the one I grew.
Her: Blah blah blah!
Him: Plus, I can’t really rent it out when it’s all damaged.
Her: You rent it out?
Her: How Sway?
Him: Uh, Amazon Primal. Where you been at? And, don’t sound so incredulous.
Her: What. The hell. Is. That!?
Him: Remember when Netflix first came out? It’s just like…
Her: That’s disgusting! I’m gonna be sick.
Him: Says the woman with my dick in her purse!
Her: I’m serious! You mean to tell me you’ve been fucking me with Netflix dick!?
Him: A-ma-zon Primal! Amazon Primal. It’s so catchy! How could you not remember that?
Her: Whatever – I get the funky lil name! I just don’t understand how it works and why you do it.
Him: The money – why else?
Her: [Sigh] I’m so over technology – retractable genitals, Amazon Pervert…
Him: Primal! Amazon Primal!
Her: Fine! Amazon Primal! Whatever!
Him: Thank you.
Her: This is all too much. What’ll be next – a 3D print out of ya dick that you’ll sell in Wal-Mart!?
Her: Well, what!?
Him: That wasn’t in our package plan. Ha-ha! Package – geddit?
Her: Hardy-har-har, negro. How does this work?
Him: My dick? I feel like you know.
Her: Rent-ya-dick.com, fool!
Him: Ama… An-ny-way, like I was saying. I rent it out for a few hours and then it’s sent back to the local recall drop off point around the corner. They refurbish the dick, clean it and what not, and then I go pick it up. Good as new each time.
Her: Disgusting! Utterly fucking disgusting!
Him: I mean, I always clean it after just as a pre-caution.
Her: I don’t even want to know.
Him: Kanye Shrug.
Her: Did you just Kanye Shrug me, outloud no less?
Her: Anyway, my dick profitable?
Him: And you know this!
Her: Ahh shiggity!