Retractable

#NSFW

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Her:     You just take everything.

Him:    What chu’talmbot?

Her:     My breasts, my time.

Him:    I mean, they’re mine.

Her:     Say what now?

Him:    I commandeered them.

Her:     Oh really?

Him:    I claimed them.

Her:     Not fair!

Him:    What do you want me to say?

Her:     A woman just can’t have nothing these days SMH.

Him:    You did take my dick this morning.

Her:     You right!

Him:    Took it clean off…

Her:     I’ll put it back on when I get home.  It’ll only be a few hours and I haven’t even left yet.

Him:    I guess…

Her:     Aw, perk up.  You’ll be aight.  You tough, right?

Him:    You just gone stick me up for my dick and then Rico-from-Paid-in-Full me?

Her:     That’s how the cookie crumbles, b!

Him:    Yeah, yeah… Just don’t let it fall out your purse again this time.

Her:     Don’t worry, I took it off while you were hard, remember?

Him:    Thank God!

Her:     Look, I was more embarrassed than you!

Him:    Really!?

Her:     Really!

Him:    Explain!

Her:     How many women walk around with retractable little baby dicks in their purses?

Him:    A lot, apparently!  And it ain’t that little, aight.  I grow…

Her:     You don’t show.  Yeah, I know.

Him:    Bars!  But for real!

Her:     I said I was sorry.  And look, only the girls knew it was yours so…

Him:    That’s way worse!

Her:     Whatever, man!

Him:    [Hmph]!

Her:     Aww, baby.  Don’t be like that.  It’s real big today at least.

Him:    Emhmm.

Her:     I promise.

Him:    Whatever!

Her:     I even had to put it in my big purse. See?

Him:    Your big purse?

Her:     My big purse!

Him:    🙂

Her:     Look at Baby – him smiling all big!

Him:    Okay, fine.  Just take care of it.

Her:     Whachu mean?  Don’t I always?

Him:    Man, the last time you brought it back all scratched up.  I told you to put it in its special case.  You’on never listen.  I swear…

Her:     Why you always crying for!?

Him:    It is my dick afterall.

Her:     Mine actually.

Him:    Oh really?

Her:     I claimed it.  I commandeered it.

Him:    I see what you did there.

Her:     Exactly!  And, why you think we got that extended warranty, son?

Him:    That’s only for the upgraded docking ports.  The dick is still mine – like, the one I grew.

Her:     Blah blah blah!

Him:    Plus, I can’t really rent it out when it’s all damaged.

Her:     You rent it out?

Him:    Yeah.

Her:     How Sway?

Him:    Uh, Amazon Primal.  Where you been at?  And, don’t sound so incredulous.

Her:     What.  The hell.  Is.  That!?

Him:    Remember when Netflix first came out?  It’s just like…

Her:     That’s disgusting!  I’m gonna be sick.

Him:    Says the woman with my dick in her purse!

Her:     I’m serious!  You mean to tell me you’ve been fucking me with Netflix dick!?

Him:    A-ma-zon Primal!  Amazon Primal.  It’s so catchy!  How could you not remember that?

Her:     Whatever – I get the funky lil name!  I just don’t understand how it works and why you do it.

Him:    The money – why else?

Her:     [Sigh] I’m so over technology – retractable genitals, Amazon Pervert…

Him:    Primal!  Amazon Primal!

Her:     Fine!  Amazon Primal!  Whatever!

Him:    Thank you.

Her:     This is all too much.  What’ll be next – a 3D print out of ya dick that you’ll sell in Wal-Mart!?

Him:    Well…

Her:     Well, what!?

Him:    That wasn’t in our package plan.  Ha-ha!  Package – geddit?

Her:     Hardy-har-har, negro.  How does this work?

Him:    My dick?  I feel like you know.

Her:     Rent-ya-dick.com, fool!

Him:    Ama… An-ny-way, like I was saying. I rent it out for a few hours and then it’s sent back to the local recall drop off point around the corner.  They refurbish the dick, clean it and what not, and then I go pick it up.  Good as new each time.

Her:     Disgusting!  Utterly fucking disgusting!

Him:    I mean, I always clean it after just as a pre-caution.

Her:     I don’t even want to know.

Him:    Kanye Shrug.

Her:     Did you just Kanye Shrug me, outloud no less?

Him:    Yerp!

Her:     Anyway, my dick profitable?

Him:    And you know this!

Her:     Ahh shiggity!

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Author: Huey Booker

Huey Booker is a based in Arlington, VA. His work focuses on love, sex, dating, and relationships. You can contact him here.

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